Happy Mother's Day! Today is not the easiest day of the year for me. You would think that over time it would get easier, but I've found it's quite the opposite. This year marks 10. I wish I had a memory keeper like Dumbledore on Harry Potter, and I could keep all my memories of my childhood with my mom with every detail and feeling and thought intact. My memories wouldn't fade and she would be as vivid as the day before she went to the hospital.
I've never been a fan of going to church on Mother's Day ... it just makes it harder. Trying to hold back the stream of tears building up as kids and adults speak about moms and how much they love them ... and then the weird looks from people because I should be smiling and enjoying the talks ... not about to bawl my eyes out. I still go because I know I should and because it is probably a good thing to be reminded every once and awhile. I usually try not to think too much about my mom because I'll be pouring tears for who knows how long and I typically don't enjoy crying all that much.
I think the whole month of May is kinda hard for me. I guess it's kinda like my sister, Heather, and her blog entry about being extra emotional in May ... I'm kinda the same way. I think about my mom more and in turn I'm more emotional, thoughtful, sad, you name it. My emotions tend to be more of a rollercoaster this month than what my typical moods consist of.
But I was reminded yesterday and today of how grateful I am for my guardian angel. I know she still watches over me, protects, does all that mom stuff from the other side of the veil. It's like another person close to me, guiding me, besides the Holy Ghost and Heavenly Father. I had a special experience a couple years ago on Heritage Tours (church history tour) when I was in the Sacred Grove and felt the distinct difference of love from the spirit of my mom and Heavenly Father's. Prior to that experience, I had often wondered if what I was feeling was the spirit or my mom. Now I know. And I have been blessed ever since to sense and feel when my mom is present with me because of her unique spirit ... probably not always ... but when the Lord feels necessary that I feel my mom watching over me. It is a blessing more than anything. I have her with me at times and places where if she were alive she wouldn't be present. It's also a comfort on days like these when I want her to be able to see her and give her a hug more than anything.
It's still hard for me to think that our kids won't remember their grandmother or see her when they are here on this earth. I know they are playing with her in heaven now and they are soaking up her personality and quirks ... for which I am so grateful for. Part of me doesn't want to take them away from her - I want them to keep spending time with her so when they come to us they'll all be little replicas of her. I know, I know, that's me being selfish. I wish they would be able to remember that time they are spending with her right now ... I'll be able to see my mom's influence with them but they won't know because they will have forgotten about her when they come through the veil. I still wish Matt could spend a day with my mom ... he reminded me today that he does know her, because he knows me. I can only hope that I am being the daughter she sought for me to become and that I am passing on her story in the way she would have it told.
I was also reminded this week that she is with her mom. My mom gets to spend Mother's Day with her mom. She had to spend a number of years here on Earth without her mom. Now she gets to play with her mom and joke around just like they used to. I can't be selfish in wanting her down here with me when she is the happiest she can be with her mom and dad and family up there. I'm sure she is up there saying, "Don't cry, I'm happy, and you should be too ... I'm still your mom and I will always be here for you."
I have been blessed with 4 moms in my life up to this point. 1 - My mom. 2 - My dad: He was my mom and dad for 3 years after she passed. He was the motherly figure for me as well as my daddy. 3 - Christy: my step-mom. She took me in and we have bonded to become good friends. 4 - Becky: my mother-in-law. She accepted me from day one. And she has brought great insight into my life. Happy Mother's Day to all 4! I am blessed with 4 perspectives on motherhood and everything it entails. From homemade potstickers, pesto pasta, and experimental cooking to Costco frozen dinners and waffle breakfasts to hearty meat and potatoes and orange julius and popcorn to cheese toast and Maddox. Thank you to all of them. They have each influenced me in a different way and guided me to see my life a broader view. I have a little bit of all of them mixed into the way Matt and I live our lives. I am blessed to see and be a part of these different lifestyles and learn from the ways I have been taught.
And thank you to my husband, Matt. For his understanding and patience with me. For holding me while I cried into his shirt for forever after we got home from church. For being sensitive to the subject and always saying the perfect thing to me. For making brownies.
2 comments:
Well Jill... I wasn't sure I would be ever able to say this but I think it has finally gotten easier (instead of just different) for me. So I think that it will for you. I've been trying to think why this year has been different and I came up with a few different reasons. The first is that I don't feel so alone. I have never known you've had those Mays like me. We don't talk about it in our family. So I've felt like a big shmuck being so lonely-hearted or emotional still after all these years. Another reason for not feeling so lonely is being in this ward. Yah, part of that is that it's our old ward and with mom's friends. It's also that there are several women in the ward I am friends with who lost their moms at early ages. Several other women with young children who won't get to spend those times with their grandmas. So, even though we don't talk about it, I know they have the same feelings. Then the other reason I came up with is my kids. I feel like my family is complete again. You'll get that. I think it is because it is the first Mother's Day with Kyle here and with each kid you get a piece of you feeling sadness for her but you also get a piece of her back (in their personalities and also in experiencing yourself as a mother). Now, I lucked out and didn't get a single one of those sappy mother's day talks or lessons today. Had it been differently I might be sobbing my eyes out too. I generally try not to think about that. I am so happy for you though that you have Matt and that he is so supportive. Maybe one year you should come down here for it and we'll make a party of it. Then it'll be different. =)
I really hate Mother's Day sacrament meeting and really like the last line of your post.
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