I had a realization about the time Matt and I got engaged and every so often it comes around again. I've been able to look back on my mom's passing and see the blessings and strengths that I have received from it happening. I've been content in recognizing how much it has shaped it me to become me and the things that I learned from its occurence. I had only ever thought of it as how it had affected me, and only me.
However, the fact that Matt as well as our kids not having the opportunity of knowing my mom has just broken my heart. Although I was only 9 when she passed away, she was a huge part in shaping who I am now as well as all those years of my childhood. I think that Matt would totally get along with her and they would be good friends if she were still here. And our kids, not being able to grow up knowing their real grandma. I know she'll get to know them from wherever she is but I sure wish they could get to know her too. Matt's comment to my sadness today was, 'but this way we'll get to know the perfect Pam, we'll never see her anything but her best.'
I know she's watching over us all and she'll be the best guardian angel to our children. It just hurts my heart that they'll only be able to feel her spirit near them and not be able to sit in her lap or laugh along with her. Some days are just harder than others I suppose. Matt does a good job at making me happy again though.
1 comment:
Oh Jill, I wish you would call me on those days. You have no idea how many times I think about the things that we did with mom and grandma as kids that I had pictured doing with my kids and mom. It is those things that make me saddest. Like going to the park, or Valley of Fire, or hanging in the backyard, or lounging in the pool, or getting ice cream, or the coolest ever sleepover at Grandma's (do you remember the New Years Eve?).
I do have some comfort in being married to someone who knew mom and was great friends with him. It was a VERY big deal to me that he did and that she and I had talked about me marrying him and she gave me her blessing- and that was our last conversation. I'm also blessed that we're in our old ward with mom's friends who can share things with me and the kids. I even go to mom's old book club (which, let me tell you, has taught me new things too).
I think it's a good thing to not remember perfect Pam. She had her faults, just like anyone else. But she was also an exceptional mother and person. Really. Everyone says so. But, there will come a time when you are a mom and you will need to remember that even your wonderful mom had faults too.
And I also want you to know something I have gotten a real testimony of. These kids KNOW their grandma. We talk about her a lot (and it's really funny to listen to). Remember how Bobby seemed to have Grandma Smelser's sense of humor? Well, I just know that these kids spent a lot of time with their grandma before coming here. Kathy Mitchell and I were talking about it once and I was telling her feelings like you posted. Sometimes when I feel that way it is hard not to feel a little mad at mom for leaving or jealous of other girls who have their moms (and therefore the grandmas). But Kathy reminded me that she too had to have felt such a mixture of sadness and sorrow and joy at sending these kids down to us. She is playing with your kids now and getting her fabulous personality into them...and when it is time for them to come down here to earth she will be sad to let them go, especially because she knows what a painful world it can be...but it will be a bittersweet thing because she will be sending you a little piece of her and a new way that she can be with you always. (cue Tarzan theme song music)
Sorry...that was really long for a comment. Maybe I should have just emailed it.
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